Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.