“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one