hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
You know…for fall…
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.