Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Lmao
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole