Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
You Might Also Like
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
At an art museum and I thought this was art
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.