Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan