Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.