Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.