Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.


*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.


I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)


Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.


Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.


Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”


If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.


people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so