@Dahmerscookpot Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
@Marcmywords2 Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
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@Dahmerscookpot 
@adamgreattweet gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
@EliTerry I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
@nickeldoodle “GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
@FierceMess I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
@TrueTorontoGirl My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
@stevevsninjas – Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
@slimmy_shady My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
@Blondiethegood Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
@Smug_Lemur Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot