Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
You Might Also Like
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.