Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.