Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.