Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

me 2 months after i graduated

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.