hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
The Backseat Boys
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap