hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Breaking news:
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.