a fate I wish upon no one
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.