@slimmy_shady

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

You Might Also Like

@ErrenMichaels

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

@ghostkrogh

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

@FunnyIsFamily

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

@thomaslennon

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

@Marlebean

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

@ScrewedTik

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

@WilliamAder

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.