@paprbckparadise a fate I wish upon no one
@slimmy_shady Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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@paprbckparadise 
@ErrenMichaels *logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
@ghostkrogh [at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
@FunnyIsFamily My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
@thomaslennon Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
@Marlebean I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
@ScrewedTik Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
@WilliamAder I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
@Book_Krazy FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
@MomOnFire Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.