@Reverend_Scott [wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
@slimmy_shady Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
@Ciara_Knight The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
@papasuncle I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
@LindaInDisguise Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
@gengen874 Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
@Prero22 A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
@_SingleBabyMama You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
@laurcunn My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
@AlmightyBored I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.