Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
The photographer’s assistant
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.