“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
thanks auntie mary
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
how to market bottled water to dads
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.