Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
There’s always that one guy
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Air conditioning – not a fan
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
This rocks
Schrödinger’s cookie
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”