Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
You Might Also Like
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second