Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
U talkin 2 me?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.