Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Practicing safe sax
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..