Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Art by Pastelkatto
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me