Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school