Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
As the Lord intended
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder