Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall