@nerdgirlcomedy

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

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@joeldanger

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

@TheFakeCNN

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

@Fulkery1

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

@SoWeirditsCool

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@envydatropic

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.