Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.


Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.


Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.


Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.


Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy


I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.