Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Interior design 👌
Look at this
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
From Facebook just now…
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
A man of commitment.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.