Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Taco Tuesday

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.