Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.