Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
You Might Also Like
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I just ran a .003048K
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
plums roundup
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.