Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Check your privilege
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*