Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Hey I worked for it too!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Check your privilege
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.