Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.