@Try2StopME

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

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@envydatropic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

@JediGigi

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

@Proxic0n

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

@AZHORSEMOM77

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying

@empressofsong

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

@KatieDeal99

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

@_Justin_Stepien

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

@jzux

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

@kelkulus

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.