My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.