Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
man: wait
time: no
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Peace was never an option
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.