Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Catering service
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?