Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Travel bloggers during quarantine
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.