Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.


I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.


*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back


A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp


BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.


the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”


HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.


*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes


*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!