Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
You Might Also Like
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
listen closely
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.