HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.


Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine


Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*


What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?


If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.


Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.


I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.


I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.