@egg_dog

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

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@sensual_dad

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

@devonellis_

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

@robdelaney

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

@mattZillaaaa

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.