Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?