@paulablu22

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

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@djdarrellripley

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

@BastardProphet

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

@TheHyyyype

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

@Ygrene

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

@KeetPotato

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”