Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

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Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.


“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“I’ll do it.”


SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.


“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS


Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.


We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.


Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.


I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.


I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.