Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Nice try, poison.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”