Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”