Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When you kidnap a writer.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Whoa 😂
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.