Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
You Might Also Like
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.