@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

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@perlapell

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

@clichedout

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

@capnwatsisname

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

@LittleMissZesty

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@murrman5

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

@Kyle_Lippert

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”