Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.


I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.


Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.


[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time


Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*



Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?


[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked


“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”