Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar