Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Important
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section