Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool