“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
oh shit