Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*