Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
A choir of Spring onions
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My love language is hissing.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word