“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today